MY Thoughts on MY Loss

I.LOST.MY.DAD.

I realize I am not the first person this has happened to.  I have lots of friends and family that have lost parents. I have lost many loved ones. Grandparents,  that's a really tough one. Uncle, not an easy one either. Friends, I miss them dearly. However to loose a parent......is different.  I look back to the friends and family that have lost parents,  and I think. WOW!! I was not "there" for you.

I thought I was, I meant to be.......I did not understand.

I.DID.NOT.UNDERSTAND.

This loss is like no other.

( I haven't lost a child, so I can not even begin to compare that loss )

This loss is devastating.  My ROOTS are leaving the earth.

The one & only man in my life who loved me unconditionally, to the ends of the earth, to the moon & back, to the depths of his soul. He had my back. 

When the PTA ( yep I said it) did me so wrong and treated me so badly,  he wrote off a business that one of them was involved in. HE.NEVER.WENT.BACK. 

It was one of his favorite places to go. 

He was my safety net.

When things were bad, he was always there to help. 

NO.MATTER.WHAT.

Did we ever argue? 

Of course. We didn't always see eye to eye on everything. 

It didn't matter. 

He was my solid, no matter what, had my back guy! 

( My husband is good at this also, but it's different )

It's been 2 months and 9days as of today,  since he left me.

(Yes I know he left everyone else too)

It's STILL VERY RAW.

Some days are okay. Some are incredibly SAD.

EVERYDAY.I.THINK.ABOUT.HIM

What was the last meal he ENJOYED?

(Esophagus cancer took his joy of eating away)

When was the last time I hugged him, really hugged him?

(chemo took that away from us, he didn't need the germs)

HE.PROMISED.HE.WOULD.FIGHT.

Why didn't he fight harder? 

Didn't he know how desperately I needed him to stay?

What was he thinking? Was he sad or ready to go? 

Did he know he wasn't staying?

Did he know how much I loved him?  I mean REALLY know? 

Did he know that I LOVED the way he loved my baby girl? 

Did he know he was a most awesome grandfather & FIL?

Did he know what an awesome daddy he was? 

( Grumpiness & all)

THE.GUILT.

OMG! THE GUILT.

The guilt of eating in front of him when he couldn't.

The guilt of giving him a metal spoon to taste something I had made him.

The guilt of not hugging him anyway.

The guilt of not telling him how great he really was.

The guilt of  going to the beach, when he can not.

The guilt of not taking his dog.

The guilt of carrying on with my life.

The guilt of not knowing what was happening with him.

The guilt of not making the dr.'s check him after unusual pain.

The guilt of not fighting harder with him.

The guilt of not telling him "it was okay" if he didn't want to fight.

The guilt of not thanking him for treating my adopted baby girl as his own flesh & blood.

SO.MANY.UNSAID.THINGS.

I know what everyone thinks of these things. I know he probably knew most of my thoughts. I know what I should think of these things. I can not help where my thoughts go.

Sadness washes over me at some of the oddest times. 

It's a sadness I had not ever known. 

ENGULFING.CONSUMING.OVERWHELMING.HEAVY.

My love for my parents is so strong. I know not everyone has this tight bond and love with their parents. My husband is one of them.  He doesn't quite understand why I am so incredibly sad. He doesn't understand me waking up and just being so sad I cry, and will cry all day off and on. I hope he can make amends with his many parents before they are gone and all he is left with is what should have been. ( Yes I said many parents, long story.) 

I am doing my best to carry on with daily life things. If you met me today you would not know how sad and heart broken I really am. I put on my happy face, and deal with it.  

What else can we do?

Like I said before I.DID.NOT.UNDERSTAND. how great this loss can be. 

I am SO sorry to my friends & family who have lost parents. 

People ask "How are you?"  

I say "Okay" END.OF.CONVO. most of the time.

Really though?? 

Do I try to put into words how I really feel, for people who ask? Do they really want to know?  

I know they care, but they need me to be "okay", otherwise it's awkward. 

My husband wonders..... where is everybody? Why aren't more people calling to check on you...us....our daughter?  Well honestly it's okay that they are not. 

I don't REALLY want to talk.

It was expected. 

It was not expected. 

Cancer sucks. 

That is not what immediately killed him. 

We thought we had some time.

Not on our time, but God's.

We are not promised tomorrow.

Remember that.

I know many people lost him, but today I needed to talk about my loss.